Girl trouble got you down? Do bigger guys kick sand in your face? You don’t have to take it anymore! All you need to turn your life around is a positive mental attitude, an open mind… and an Elder Sign burned into your right hand.

The nastiest spells from the Necronomicon are all over the Internet and personal growth has never been easier. In this new era, rock hard abs, explosive earnings, and better, longer sex are all on offer; one need only learn a few arcane symbols and offer their soul to Father Dagon.

Our kid Chester Swallow has had it up to here with his lousy job at the drive-thru and his rotten luck with the ladies. After watching a few how-to videos starring his favorite online influencer, he’s ready to take the plunge and sear an Elder Sign into his open palm. It’s a gutsy life choice and now things are going to change for Chester faster than you can say “Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn!!!”

First publication: Subterranean Press free e-book
Date: 2023
Author(s): Joe Hill
Nomination(s): No
Movie: No

The books, magazines and/or collections in which these titles are also published:
• Broadside by Subterranean Press

The book/story is published with these cover(s):
(Click image to see full cover)

9781645240747
Ebook
Subterranean Press
2023		 #274
Broadside
Subterranean Press
2024

Information about edition(s):
• There is also a lettered run of SupPress’ broadside of #26.

The story starts as follows:
After the Necronomicon was uploaded to Creative Commons, a lot of bad shit went down… and I’m not talking about Omaha disappearing into perpetual, everlasting night or that thing where wives in Dayton began eating their husbands. Dayton is not my problem. I mean in my personal life, shit’s been fucked up ever since and I don’t see things getting any better for your friend Chester Swallow anytime soon.
Everything could’ve been different if only Ashley didn’t break up with me right before Abdul Alhazred’s Book of the Dead hit the Internet. Ip ut safety pins through my nipples, just to prove I could be Goth for her, and suddenly she wipes off her eyeshadow, starts listening to Taylor Swift, and says, sorry Chester, she’s fallen for this kid named Brett who works at Sunglass Hut, because he’s “upbeat” and “positive” and “runs for charity.” My left nipple picked up an infection and wound up so swollen and sore I had to get on antibiotics.

Other information:
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Nomination(s):
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Movie:
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